This post comes from prompt 1 in a writing group I am in with a friend called the World’s Most Low-Key Writing Club. It’s a 10-minute writing exercise. I didn’t do any editing so it’s very raw but very real.
Content warning: stress eating, body image
I’m sharing this prompt in particular because I think a lot of us need to know we are not alone in our negative thoughts about our bodies – if you don’t have any, tell me your secret! Confidence and self-love are something that are a constant struggle in my life and I want to share with others that it’s okay to feel the way you feel.
More detailed explanation and thoughts are on the Oak + River Books podcast!
*Note: if you are struggling with body image or eating, please consult a professional. This post in no way intends to treat or diagnose – it is solely my personal experience and thoughts.*
Prompt #1: If I could change one thing about myself…
This has two meanings to me. The first – that I thought of first – is “what is the physical thing you would change about yourself?” For me, that’s easy. I would literally just change the way my body looks. It would always be proportionate, even when I’m in a plus-size status. Outside of the body positivity movement – and even sometimes in it – there is a right way and a wrong way to be plus size. If you are pear shaped or hourglass shaped (echo all of the female comedians questioning why we have to be like fruits), then you are in the clear. Your body is “desirable”. But an apple shaped woman? Oh no. You have fat in all the wrong places. Your body’s way of distributing it makes you disgusting – instead of just curvy or thick. I don’t know what it’s like in the men’s scene. There is still work to be done there, too. I just hate feeling like my “mom bod” is less worthy than a “dad bod”. It makes me wonder how much time I’m spending looking at other people’s bodies – wondering why and how they look the way they do, wondering what their parents look like, wondering what they eat or if they fast. I am obsessed with other people’s bodies not because I’m a stalker but because I’m vain. I didn’t know I was vain. I just thought I hated the way I looked and everyone else hated the way they looked and that’s just how life was. Time moves on and post-Navy I think will be a healthier head space for me. It’s not that I’m okay with anyone being unhealthy, I’m just not okay with feeling like I am a horrible human because I’m not beautiful.
The second thought I had regarding this is what personality trait would I change about myself. It’s no secret I get obsessive… let’s say passionate. My heart is huge and heavy and love comes pouring out of it – but it’s often misguided. I have a tattoo on my ribcage that says “let love not wander”. I don’t know the real inspiration for it. I was just thinking about cool tattoos to get one day and this phrase popped in my head and I said, “That’s the one.” And I went that day to get it. My love wanders because it grows. It wanders because it tries to enter homes where it’s not welcome. It wanders because it’s searching for another love just like it. My love is loud and forceful. I need someone who loves just as forcefully but in a quiet way. A sturdy presence. A solidity. Someone who doesn’t run when things get tough. Or when I get emotional. Someone who will let me be mad and then we’ll talk about it and we’ll move and no one will hold grudges. Someone who will argue with me about leaving socks on the floor, or what color to paint the walls, or what to make for dinner tonight. I don’t even want to really argue, I just want to bicker a little bit. I don’t want someone who is passive and chill about every little thing. I have a fire in me and if I feel like I’m stomping over someone else all the time with it, I will make both of us miserable. So I want to let my love be free. I want it to roam and seek out corners and crevices and shadows. But I don’t want it to go banging down doors it doesn’t belong at. Crossing thresholds destined for someone else. I want to accept that sometimes life just doesn’t work the way we want it to, or the way we imagined it would. Sometimes I want the fact that I have loved at all to be enough. But this is not sustaining. My love will flourish when it is loved in return. When it no longer has to wander alone.
Most of all, I would change the way I love myself. Because most of the time, I don’t. I know my good traits – funny, smart, witty, caring. But I feel like if I don’t tell people my bad traits, they’ll think I’m hiding them. So often I have the urge to be like “I shouldn’t be eating this because I need to lose weight” or “I know I’m annoying but…” Why can’t I just love myself enough to be confident? Why can’t I love my own heart enough to trust that it will be okay? The best thing God has in store for me is not what I’m currently experiencing. Am I really so arrogant to think that THIS is the best God can do? THE BEST? He knows my heart and he knows my love and while I absolutely disagree that people need to love themselves in order to be loved by others, I think I do need to love myself more. I have heard that often enough I finally am on the cusp of believing I am unworthy of others’ love because I do not love myself. But I need to love myself as fiercely as I try to love other things. Fiercely and unabashedly.